Adam and Eve, alternate ending no1
by Bud Cordwell
Summary: What would have happened if Adam and Eve didn't eat the apple? Would things have turned out all right or turned to rubbish anyway? A one shot.


WHEN EVE DIDN'T EAT THE APPLE

Out of all the trouble makers in the Garden of Eden, and there weren't many because it was the Garden of Eden, the serpent was definitely the biggest. One day he said unto Eve,

God said you can eat from any tree in the garden, so why not eat from that apple tree over there?

Eve said, that is the tree of Knowledge, we shall not eat off it because God said that it was a bad idea. And, she added, you're a serpent that can talk.

Yea, said the serpent, because that's what serpents said in the Garden of Eden, if you know you should not eat of the tree of knowledge, doesn't that mean that you have knowledge already?

Eve thought about this for a moment but not too hard because she didn't know a lot about thinking.

And, said the snake, don't you know the names of all the animals and the plants? And don't you know the advantages of sewing seeds at certain times? And don't you know that snakes should not talk?

Don't you therefore agree that knowledge is inherent to the human condition and consequently a struggle to lose rather than gain?

(Snakes often used the word inherent in the Garden of Eden.)

Eve became confused. Nay she said, which is the opposite to yea.

In her confusion, she killed the snake. Luckily, she didn't know that what she did was wrong and it was fine. She then brought it unto Adam and they ate it and it was not good but it wasn't bad either.

After this, Adam and Eve enjoyed the delights of the Garden of Eden some more. They caught food, swam in the streams and took part in begatting, which is the biblical way of saying fornicating, which is the educated way of saying having sex.

But the words of the snake dug deep into Eve's brain like a worm in an apple.

If she had not eaten from the tree of knowledge, how did she know all that she knew? How did she know that the apple was wrong if she had no knowledge at all?

Did that therefore mean that the tree of knowledge and consequently the Garden of Eden was in fact a paradox? What was a paradox and how did Eve suddenly know what it meant?

When Adam said unto Eve, let us begat, she didn't listen and walked away to think about these things.

Adam became upset. He didn't know what made Eve not listen to him.

After some time, he went to God and told Him that he had nothing to do. Eve was thinking and he didn't know what to do with himself.

God said to Adam, I will see what can be done, because God really was a nice kind of person even if He had accidentally created a paradox.

God was at a loss of what he should give Adam. Then He thought to invent an early form of television and then gave it unto Adam. Adam thought it was good.

But when Eve returned home she found the garden a bit of a mess because Adam had been watching the television all afternoon. This made things worse.

Eve yelled at Adam and Adam yelled at Eve and there was no more begatting for an entire month.

And such was life in the Garden of Eden. Eve woke in the early morn and left to collect food and Adam went his own way to collect his own food.

Adam began to build a house because that is what people do when there is no begatting, I should know because my parents built four of them.

Eve stopped coming home because she asked God for a nightspot where the music was loud and the drinking was cheap.

Adam began to smash things around his house so God gave him football. Then Adam watched football and forgot to catch food so God had to invent the microwave. Then Adam forgot to pay the power bill so God had to invent parents who would lend him money. Then he had to make children for Adam to get angry with and take his frustrations out on.

Eve came back from the mountains as a Zen Buddhist. She said she had reached enlightenment.

Adam laughed at this and refused to see her. Eve would have been angry but she was feeling particularly Zen at that point in time and she left again without another word.

God was growing tired of the way things were turning out in the Garden of Eden. He decided that he would have a flood.

He took one of Adam's children and put him onto an ark.

He took two of each animal in the Garden of Eden so He could start again. He chose two hippopotamuses that were both males, which is why hippopotamuses are the most sexually liberated of all animals.

God then brought down the rain and washed away the Garden of Eden.

The ark floated on the sea for forty days. God named the boy Adam because he wasn't in a particularly creative mood.

But Adam was naked, as everyone had been in the Garden of Eden, and he got pneumonia from the wind and died.

When the water at last subsided, God decided it would be best if giraffes were the species he would provide for because they were much less complicated than humans.

God then made himself in the image of a giraffe because God can do that sort of thing and everything was good.

THE END


End file.
